


Daniel, Dating, and The Devil

by Antarctic_Echoes



Series: Luciferian Fics (One shots) [10]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8905318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctic_Echoes/pseuds/Antarctic_Echoes
Summary: Lucifer tries to help Dan get back into the dating scene, but Dan is not a smooth operator....  :-STakes place after S2x07.Very short one-shot.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AmyIsARealPhelps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyIsARealPhelps/gifts).



> This is for my my plot bunny buddy, AmyIsARealPhelps! Merry, merry Christmas! Thank you so much for this plot bunny and for being awesome! Here is a weird variation. I don't think it turned out exactly the way you expected... sorry.... lol.
> 
> A very big thank you to my beta, ScooterThyme! You rock!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Lucifer Morningstar and Dan Espinoza are owned by Vertigo Comics, DC Comics, Neil Gaiman, Mike Carey, and everyone else involved with the Lucifer TV show and comic books. I own nothing and make no money on this. I merely am borrowing the characters for... uh... writing practice.

 

 

For once, Lucifer was trying hard to get along with Detective Espinoza.

After following the douche to the improv club, he had seen Daniel make fun of him on stage, and afterward, they had shared a... well... a moment.  A start of a bromance, possibly.  Wasn’t that what the humans called it?  He wasn’t sure that he liked Daniel all that much -- still saw him as a douche -- but well... he wasn’t as bad as first thought.  

So the next night, Lucifer invited Dan to LUX for... well, just a little enjoyment.  Obviously the human needed it, seeing as how he was having trouble getting over Chloe.  The fallen angel kept an eye out for his new-found... bromance partner, and once he saw him sauntering down the steps, went to greet him.

“Daniel!  Welcome!  So glad you could make it.”

The human looked exceedingly uncomfortable; his eyes darted around nervously.  “Yeah, well... I wasn’t sure I’d come.”

“And why ever not?” Lucifer asked as he wrapped an arm around the other man’s shoulders and guided him toward the bar.  Upon reaching the counter, he paused as he critically inspected the man’s casual attire, and sighed heavily.  “Really, Daniel, don’t you have anything that doesn’t scream ‘cop’?”

Glancing down at his clothes, Dan touched his jacket then looked back up at the tall club owner.  “These don’t scream c--”

“They do... so loud it’s deafening... but never mind.  We’ll have to work with what we’ve got.”

“Work with...?”

Lucifer gave Dan a friendly pat on the shoulder.  “Oh, come now, Daniel, don’t tell me you didn’t know?  I’m here to help you get back into the dating scene!  After all, you can’t be pining after the detective forever.  I realized that after our talk last night.  Now, there are plenty of ladies here to take your mind off of things....”

Dan looked appalled, nervous and excited all at the same time.  Lucifer wouldn’t have believed that anyone could show all three expressions at once.  Quite a surprise, really.  Blinking, he realized the man was talking.  “Look, man, it’s been a long time since I’ve dated -- really dated.  I’m a bit rusty --”

“No matter, Lucifer is here to save the day!”  The Devil smiled wickedly and signaled to a woman at the end of the bar.  “Ah.  Here we go....”  The woman sauntered over, and looked Dan over critically.  Filled with anticipation, Lucifer waited for the human to say something... smooth to the woman.

“Hey, uh... are you a care package?  Because you must have fallen from Heaven,” Daniel said to the brunette, who giggled and gave him a coy look.  Lucifer, meanwhile, was horrified.

“Bloody hell, what was that?!” he cried, shooing the woman away and placing a hand against the bar counter.  He leaned close to the human’s perplexed face.  “What the  _ bloody hell _ was that?!”

Dan looked at him blankly.  “What?  I thought it was pretty good --”

“No.  No, no, no, you sod!  No angel pick up lines here in LUX!  That is unacceptable!  Bloody hell, you can’t possibly tell me that that pick up line actually works?”

“Uh... well... it did when I first started dating Chloe....”

Lucifer rolled his eyes.  “No.  No.  You must have a better pick up line than that.”

Dan’s brows drew together as he thought hard.  “How about... uh....  Do you believe in modern revelation?  Because I believe I'm standing in front of an angel....”  At his companion’s look of disgust, he tried again.  “What about... I hope Angels know CPR because you take my breath away...?  No?  Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?  Baby, somebody better call God, because he’s missing an angel?”

Lucifer felt his stomach give a lurch.  “Ugh!  Bloody hell!  Why do you keep bringing up angels and Heaven?!”

Totally oblivious to his companion’s revulsion, Dan smiled with excitement as he warmed up to his subject.  “One of my favorites is: hey can you take off your clothes for me? I want to see how an angel hides its wings.”  His face lit up.  “Awesome, am I right?”

“No.”

“Or what about: what time do you have to be back in Heaven?”

Bloody hell,  _ no!” _

“Or what about this one?  I think I can die happy now, because I've just seen a piece of Heaven.”  Dan’s face relaxed into a blissful expression.  “Do you want to know what line worked on Chloe?”

For an instant, Lucifer grew excited.  “Oooh, the detective?”  But then he realized what kind of pick up line was probably going to pop out of the silly human’s mouth.  “No.  Please don’t --”

“Well, first I used the line, ‘Did you fall from Heaven...?  Because... have sex with me?’  She wasn’t too receptive to that --”

Lucifer groaned as he realized Dan was not going to stop talking.  “I should bloody well hope not.”

“In fact,” he continued with a laugh, “She said, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t suffer a head injury during the fall.’”

The Devil perked up at that.  “Oh, well done, Detective,” he said sotto voce.  It certainly sounded like Chloe -- she was always so good at putting  _ him _ down, at least she put the douche in his place, as well!

But then Dan’s face relaxed into a blissful expression, and Lucifer knew it was about to get worse.  “But then I said, ‘Well, it must be a day off in Heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.’”  He smiled happily as he reminisced.

The fallen angel’s mouth fell open.   _ “Please _ don’t tell me you won over the detective with _ that  _ line.”

“Oh yeah,” Dan said in a dreamy voice.  “So awesome.”

“No.  No no no.   _ No. _  I refuse to believe it.  The detective would never --”

“Uh huh!”  He nodded.  “Totally.  We were at the Christmas dance.  She had just joined the department.  We had seen each other off and on, but it wasn’t until I used my pick up line skills on her that she agreed to a dance.  After that, we went back to her place and --”

“That’s enough!” Lucifer cried as jealousy reared its ugly head.  He did not want to hear about the douche making out with Chloe!   She was  _ his, _ not the douche’s.  He did not want to hear any more!

“What? She just made me coffee, that’s it!  After that we started dating --”

“Daniel, we are here to get you to think of other women, remember?” the Devil said with exaggerated patience.

Blinking in surprise, Daniel snapped out of his memories and looked at his companion.  “Oh.  Uh, sorry about that.  I guess I got lost in my thoughts.”

“Indeed.”  Grateful that the man was no longer talking about Chloe and causing jealousy to fester like mad in his insides, the fallen angel signaled to more ladies across the room.  As the women approached, he said, “Now go on and have a good time.  And please don’t use any of those angel pick up lines, do you hear me?”

“Uh.. yeah.  Sure.  I’ve got plenty of other good pick up lines I can use.”  Dan nodded anxiously and swallowed hard as he studied the beautiful women before him.  “Yeah.  Um.  Hey, are you ladies lost?  Because Heaven is a long way from here.....”

Lucifer groaned and rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long night....

  
  



End file.
